Dear Eliza,
A new year has begun. This week has been so very hectic. I have had so many reminders this week of how much I miss having you growing in my belly. Yesterday my period started which was a very emotional thing for me. I think somewhere deep down inside I held on to this idea that this past month and a half has all been a terrible dream. Yesterday I felt very lost. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I know in my brain that you are gone and have been for a while now, but my period just makes it so real. There is no way to ignore the reality now. I can't live in my fantasy world anymore. I just want to be able to hold you in my arms.
Yesterday baby Journey finally came into this world. Ms. Chelsi was so ready. I was worried that I would struggle like I did when Annaleigh was born. I think it was harder for me to deal with Annaleigh's birth because I should not only still be pregnant with you, but I lost a baby in May that I would have been having any day now. I only knew I was pregnant for two days before I lost that pregnancy. I'm not saying that losing a baby early like that is easier because every loss is a loss of a precious life, but it's a different kind of pain. I had not gotten attached to that baby. I had barely accepted that I was pregnant when all of a sudden I wasn't anymore. When I lost you Ellie I had grown so attached to you. You were my precious big headed baby. On ultrasoud at your gestation the head makes up most of the length. I joked with your daddy during ultrasound that you had his big head.
I hope that you are happy and safe Ellie. Give Grandma tooter a big hug from me. I love you my precious little angel!
Forever and Ever
Mommy
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