12-29-2011

Dear Eliza,

Dear Eliza. I like that. I like being able to call you by name. It makes mommy happy to be able to talk about you and acknowledge that even though we never got to see your sweet little face, that you did exist, and you mattered. Some people probably don't truly understand why I hurt so bad, and I pray to God that they never have to understand. Because if they don't understand it's because they have never lost a baby. I get upset sometimes because some people act like I shouldn't be upset or I shouldn't hurt and grieve because I was "only" 11 weeks pregnant when you died. When you died Ellie, you had all of your organs. You had fingers and toes. Before it stopped your tiny was heart was beating away strong and steady. You were just tiny, but you were every bit a baby. Today I miss you alot. I have been finding ways to help me deal with losing you. This blog is one way I have been doing that. Today I spent alot of time designing it to be beautiful, just for you. I pray that you are happy. I pray that you know how much mommy and daddy loved you. I know that you were sick. And even though I miss you so much, I thank God that he didn't let you feel pain. We want to get pregnant again. Please know my sweet girl that we are not trying to replace you. You will always hold a very special place in our heart that no one will ever fill. We are meant to be parents, and we desperately want to have a child here with us. I know it is in God's hands but I pray he blesses us with another baby. I know that you are with us everyday and I pray that when we get pregnant again you will watch over your little brother or sister. I guess that's it for today. I miss you baby girl and I love you!
Forever and Ever
Mommy

We decided on a name

Morgan and I have talked about it and we decided to name our precious angel Eliza Rainn. Eliza means concecrated to God. I think it is appropriate that our baby girl's name means dedicated to God, since she was born in Heaven. Morgan chose the middle name. It is just one that he really liked. It feels nice to be able to talk about our angel and call her by name. We dont have to call her, it or the baby.

It was a girl

Yesterday I had my follow-up appointment for my surgery and D&C. Everything went really well. My incisions have healed up nicely and I got my stitches out. The doctor went over all of the pathology from the cyst and the baby. They had called last week and told us that the baby had trisomy 21 or Down's Syndrome. We found out yesterday though that our precious angel was a little girl. My heart broke a little. I have always wanted a little girl, but I was so sure that I was going to have a house full of boys. I said it was just the way it would work out. Now I just wonder if God is going to give me one healthy child. I don't really care if its a girl or a boy, I just want to be able to hold him or her in my arms. I would have loved to have my sweet little girl with me. Morgan and I decided that we are going to name her. It only seems right. She deserves for her life to be acknowledged. Now it is just the daunting task of deciding what to name her.

Merry Christmas...

Christmas has always been one of my favorite holidays. I truly enjoy spending time with family and good friends. This Christmas I have been trying so hard to be in the spirit, and for the most part I really am. Tonight though my heart hurts. I just can't turn my brain off. I can't stop thinking about what might have been. I should have been 15 weeks pregnant. I should have spent the evening talking to my family about all the hopes and dreams we have for our baby. I should have been wondering if that was a kick I was beginning to feel. I miss my baby. I miss being pregnant. I miss being nauseous and tired. I'm trying so hard not to rain on everyone's holiday. I want so badly to be able to be happy and cheerful. But, I'm scared. There is nothing in this world that I want more than to be a mother. Today all I wanted is to know that I would one day be sitting watching as my child ripped into presents. I want to see the amazement in my child's face as they see what Santa brought for them. Ever since I woke up from surgery that day and they told me that I had lost my ovary, I have been scared. Terrified. I just don't know what I am supposed to do if I can't have children. What is the purpose of life if there are not children involved? What is left?

12-22-2011

Dear Our Precious Little Angel,

This last week has really flown by! It's hard to believe that it is Thursday again. We are just a few days from Christmas and our days have gotten so busy. Baby Annaleigh was born the other day! I had so many wishes for you two to be good friends like your mommies. She is having some trouble, but she is doing pretty good so far. We have been praying for her to get stronger everyday. The doctor called and told us that they found out you had Down's Syndrome. He is pretty sure that is why we lost you. It makes mommy sad because so many babies are born with Down's Syndrome and go one to have happy lives. I wish you could have been one of those babies. I would have been 15 weeks pregnant today. When I still had you with me I thought it was going by so slow. I just couldn't wait to see you. Now I feel like I can't slow time down. Mommy has to go to the doctor on Tuesday and make sure that I am getting better after my surgery. I really hope that the doctor can tell us if you were a boy or a girl. I would just love to be able to refer to you correctly. I want to be able to honor your short little life. I hope you have a Merry Christmas in heaven! Love you so much my precious little angel!
Forever & Ever
Mommy

Genetic Results

We got the phone call today from the doctor's office about our baby's chromosome testing. Our precious angel had Trisomy 21. I have been waiting for the last few weeks to get these results, and they do bring me some peace. Please don't misunderstand, because I would have loved to carry my precious baby to term, and would have felt so blessed to have my precious angel here with me, Down's Syndrome or not. The peace comes from knowing that there wasn't anything I did wrong. I did not hurt my baby. There was not anything that I could have done to save my baby. It is also a relief to know that there is not something wrong with me physically that caused this to happen. It means that I can have a healthy term pregnancy. I know that there is still a chance that something like this can happen again, but there is still a chance of a healthy pregnancy.

I love you my precious angel!

Hard Day Today

My best friend of many years gave birth to a beautiful little girl today. I could not possibly be happier for her. She was a little early, and she is very tiny, but very much so perfect. However, today has been the hardest day I have had since we lost our baby. I did pretty good. I held it together the whole time we were at the hospital. I held it together as I watched with terrible envy as she gazed at her perfect little baby. I held it together when she smiled at her daughter and said " Hi baby girl, I'm your mommy!" The moment we walked out of that room I lost it. I would not have missed being there for her today for the world, but when I walked out of that room I felt more empty than I thought was possible. My heart was aching as I walked slowly down that hallwall. All that I could think was that could have been me. That should be me in a few more months, but instead I walked out of that hospital with empty arms, an empty womb, and a broken heart. I want nothing more than to hold a precious little baby in my arms, to hold their precious fingers, to stroke their little face, and to say " Hi baby, I'm your mommy!"

"What Makes a Mother" - Author Unknown

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard Him say.
“A Mother has a baby”
This we know is true
“But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby’s not with you?”
“Yes, you can,” He replied
With confidence in His voice
“I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay.”
“I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby to be here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.
“I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child’s smile,
With all the other children and say…
‘We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come strait here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow’s where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don’t be sad today,
I’m your baby and I’m here.’
“So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson’s through.
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart
it’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They’ll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!”

12-15-2011

Dear Our Precious Little Angel,

Everyday I see or hear something that reminds me of you, of what you could have been. Today I would have been 14 weeks pregnant. Today I would have started my second trimester. Everything that I read says that the chances of losing you significantly drop after 12 weeks, and I can't help but think that you got so close. I am trying so hard to be thankful that I had you with me, even if it was a short time. But honestly, I'm still angry, hurt, and confused. I pray that I didn't do anything to hurt you.
It's almost Christmas and we have been trying to stay in the spirit. Your daddy LOVES Christmas. He has been counting down the days. When you were still with us we talked alot about your first Christmas. I'm going to get an ornament for you. I haven't decided what it will be, but I want something we can always remember you by. Daddy bought you a special book. We can fill it out with your pictures and all of our memories of the time I carried you. We will keep it forever so we can look at it whenever we want to remember you. A friend gave us a memorial stone for you. When we get our own house we will plant a garden for you and put the stone out there. We miss you so much. Love you always our precious little angel.
Forever & Ever
Mommy

12-8-2011

Dear Our Precious Angel,

It's been about two weeks since we lost you. The days leading up to today are kind of fuzzy and unclear. In my last note I talked about how much happiness you brought to our life. I will forever cherish the nine weeks I carried you in my womb. When the doctor told me you were gone, my world fell apart. So many questions raced through my mind. Had I done something wrong? Did I do everything right? Could I have saved you? I can tell you this much, if love could have saved you, you would have lived forever. I have cried more tears for you then I thought I had. I have prayed, begged, and pleaded with God to give you back to me. There were so many things I wanted for you. I wanted to give you the world. I dreamed of the day I would hold you in my arms, when I could calm your cry, wipe your tears, and rejoice in your smile. I know in my heart that you are safe in the arms of God. I pray that you are watching over me and daddy, and you know that your mommy and daddy love you so much. I know that your tiny feet were not meant to walk this Earth. God gave your little soul to me because we needed each other. I like to think that you are with our family. At night sometimes I wonder if Grandma Tooter is rocking you in her arms singing "Grandfather Clock". I sure hope so. I love you my precious little angel.
Forever & Ever
Mommy

12-1-2011

Dear Our Precious Angel,

I told myself when I got pregnant that I would keep a journal; a collection of letters to you. But, time slipped away and so did you. I never got a chance to write a letter telling you how excited I was for you, to tell you how much I loved you already. It was alot. I'll never forget the day I found you were coming. I didn't think that day would ever come. It was a Sunday. I ran out of the bathroom with the test in my hand. I looked at your daddy and told him. That moment is one I will treasure forever. The look on his face, he loved you already. I loved you already. We were over the moon. He couldn't wait to tell people about you. He was so excited. We both were. I was almost 5 weeks at that point. The next few weeks we had many doctors appointments. We watched in fascination each week as you grew and grew. At the doctor we sat in amazement as we listened to your tiny heart beat. It was so strong! We prayed everyday that you would be heatlhy and strong. We were so ready to have you in our life. Daddy was making changes for you. I could see it in his face, he was different. People say that men don't become daddys until hold their baby in their arms. They are wrong. Your daddy became your daddy the momenthe saw you on the ultrasound. he was in love. We both miss you so much. We will love you forever precious little angel.
Forever & Ever
Mommy

The Story of Our Angel

I met my husband in high school. We started dating the summer before my senior year in 2003. In 2009 we got married. We waited for a while to start trying to get pregnant. In December 2010 we decided to start trying, and after I saw my doctor in February 2011 and got the go ahead, we started trying for our baby. On Mother's Day I got a positive pregnancy test, but lost that pregnancy two days later. They called it a chemical pregnancy. I was so disappointed, but we started trying again immeadiately. By September I had begun to wonder if we would ever get pregnant. I was frustrated and tired of trying. I told my husband I wanted to take a break from the trying to concieve. At the beginning of October I started to notice some nausea and breast tenderness. I just knew there was no way that I was pregnant, but my period was a full week late. So I took a HPT, just to appease my curiosity, and because I figured that once i took a pregnancy test my period would finally show. When I looked at that test my mouth literally dropped. It was such a strong positive.

We were very excited. I immeadiately got into the doctor and had an ultrasound which showed I was 5 weeks, and  it showed a gestational sac but no baby yet. This was not uncommon that early in pregnancy so we were not concerned. They did however find a 10cm cyst on my left ovary. Since I had this cyst they wanted to monitor me very closely. I had weekly ultrasounds for 4 weeks. My last ultrasound was November 2, 2011, and everything was perfect. The baby was measuring 7 weeks 6 days and had a strong heartbeat of 168bpm. Even though it was still early, we decided to make the announcement that we were pregnant. It was such an exciting time. Three weeks later on November 23rd I was having terrible pain on my left side. My doctor had warned me that if I experienced pain that I needed to seek immeadiate care because my cyst could have caused an ovarian torsion. Off to the ER we went! That is when everything fell apart. They did an ultrasound to look at my ovary and make sure that everything was okay, and they came back with terrible news. My ovary was fine, but my baby was not. They could not find a heartbeat. Our precious baby was measuring right on at 11 weeks, but had died within the last few days or even hours; we will never really know for sure. The rest of the story is kind of fuzzy. My brain was clouded with grief. That Monday, November 28th, I had a D&C and laproscopic cyst removal. The cyst ended up being much larger than expected, the doctor said it was the size of a melon, and they were forced to remove my left ovary. The last few weeks have been the most difficult weeks of my life. I have been trying to deal with my grief by writing letters to our angel. I will post those letters here and share my journey with anyone who wants to walk with us. Miscarriage has for a long time been a taboo topic and I hope that I can help people understand no matter when you lost your pregnancy--you lost a child.

The last ultrasound of our baby!