Two Months

Today marks two months since Ellie left us. The pain has definately gotten more bearable, and I have learned alot about myself through this trial. Today I have been reflecting alot on the last two months and one thing that I have definately realized how little support I have offered my husband. From the moment the doctor told me she was gone, I cried. And those tears lasted for days. If I was awake then I was crying. Nothing in my world mattered or made sense to me. All I wanted was my baby back. The morning after the doctor told us our baby was gone, Morgan found me curled up with a baby blanket in the closet of our 2nd bedroom. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't make myself do anything. He held me, he never tried to make it better because he knew he couldn't. The days following this and leading up to my surgery are when I was at my worst. Alot of horrible thoughts consumed my mind. No, I wasn't thinking of hurting myself. Unless you have been through a missed miscarriage I'm not sure you can understand the emotions that go along with that. It's a whole additional pain added to the miscarriage. Now not only did you lose your baby, but you body refuses to let it go. So you are walking around knowing that your child, the child you prayed for, the child you loved, is dead inside your body. Then the mind games begin. Was that a kick I felt? Nevermind, you know that even if she wasn't already gone you wouldn't be feeling her kick at this point. Your pregnancy symptoms are continuing just adding fuel to your brain's fire. Looing back I don't know how I could have survived without Morgan, I don't know that I would have wanted to. On Facebook today a miscarriage group that I am part of posted this poem:

It must be very difficult
to be a man in grief
since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
no tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
to stand up to the test
and field the calls and visitors
so she can gets some rest

they always ask if she's alright
and what she's going through
but seldom take his hand and ask
"my friend, but how are you?"

he hears her crying in the night
and thinks his heart will break
he dries her tears and comforts her
but "stays strong" for her sake

it must be very difficult
to start each day anew
and try to be so very brave--
he lost his baby too.


My heart literally broke when I read this. I have thought about him through this, and I have asked him on occasion if he is okay, and if he wants to talk. But I have done this with tears in my eyes. How can he take me up on that, when he sees how much pain it causes me? I am going to try to discuss this with my husband later this week. Hopefully I can help him with an outlet for his emotions regarding Eliza. One thing I have learned through this experience is that it is okay to ask for help. And its okay to ask someone else to help support your partner when you just can't. Ask his parents to talk to him, ask a friend. Help your family and friends to understand its both of your losses and that they need to acknowledge his pain as well.