Merry Christmas...

Christmas has always been one of my favorite holidays. I truly enjoy spending time with family and good friends. This Christmas I have been trying so hard to be in the spirit, and for the most part I really am. Tonight though my heart hurts. I just can't turn my brain off. I can't stop thinking about what might have been. I should have been 15 weeks pregnant. I should have spent the evening talking to my family about all the hopes and dreams we have for our baby. I should have been wondering if that was a kick I was beginning to feel. I miss my baby. I miss being pregnant. I miss being nauseous and tired. I'm trying so hard not to rain on everyone's holiday. I want so badly to be able to be happy and cheerful. But, I'm scared. There is nothing in this world that I want more than to be a mother. Today all I wanted is to know that I would one day be sitting watching as my child ripped into presents. I want to see the amazement in my child's face as they see what Santa brought for them. Ever since I woke up from surgery that day and they told me that I had lost my ovary, I have been scared. Terrified. I just don't know what I am supposed to do if I can't have children. What is the purpose of life if there are not children involved? What is left?