12-29-2011

Dear Eliza,

Dear Eliza. I like that. I like being able to call you by name. It makes mommy happy to be able to talk about you and acknowledge that even though we never got to see your sweet little face, that you did exist, and you mattered. Some people probably don't truly understand why I hurt so bad, and I pray to God that they never have to understand. Because if they don't understand it's because they have never lost a baby. I get upset sometimes because some people act like I shouldn't be upset or I shouldn't hurt and grieve because I was "only" 11 weeks pregnant when you died. When you died Ellie, you had all of your organs. You had fingers and toes. Before it stopped your tiny was heart was beating away strong and steady. You were just tiny, but you were every bit a baby. Today I miss you alot. I have been finding ways to help me deal with losing you. This blog is one way I have been doing that. Today I spent alot of time designing it to be beautiful, just for you. I pray that you are happy. I pray that you know how much mommy and daddy loved you. I know that you were sick. And even though I miss you so much, I thank God that he didn't let you feel pain. We want to get pregnant again. Please know my sweet girl that we are not trying to replace you. You will always hold a very special place in our heart that no one will ever fill. We are meant to be parents, and we desperately want to have a child here with us. I know it is in God's hands but I pray he blesses us with another baby. I know that you are with us everyday and I pray that when we get pregnant again you will watch over your little brother or sister. I guess that's it for today. I miss you baby girl and I love you!
Forever and Ever
Mommy